5

TIPS TO INCREASE YOUR

DATING SUCCESS

 

 

So… you’ve clicked on this page because, face it, the whole dating thing just hasn’t been going your way.  In your ideal world, you would’ve met the perfect person (probably years ago) through mutual friends or mutual interests. You would’ve immediately “clicked” and lived happily ever after.  But no, that’s not what happened.  Instead you’ve had a few unfulfilling relationships over the years and an excruciating amount of time experiencing completely unsuccessful online dating. So here you are feeling disheartened and wondering what you’ve been doing wrong.  Yes, finding just the right fit with someone can be a challenging task but with some basic guidelines, the process can go a lot smoother and really speed things up a bit.  In this course, we’re going to focus on dating through the lens of “online dating”.  It is so familiar to so many people these days yet often the recipe for success still seems so elusive.

One of the important thing to remember about modern dating is that it’s a fast-paced exercise in sifting.  It’s like panning for gold.  You’ve got this screen and you dump a whole lot of sand in the screen.  You then, very rapidly scan your eyes through the sand, rubble and rocks to find those pieces that shine and glisten.  Once you have a collection of glittery items, you take a closer look and decide which of these is actually gold and which is just shiny mica or “fool’s gold”.  Parts of the process goes very quickly and other parts can take weeks or months to sift through.  The trick though is to not get discouraged.  When one doesn’t work out, there are usually 4 other potential options waiting to be discovered.

Remember, this course is just the tip of the iceberg.  Learning the techniques is half the battle.  In order to make real changes, you have to actually DO the work!  Facing your negative beliefs and all the ways in which you have been holding yourself back from manifesting the life and love that you desire is pretty tough.  Having someone to help you on that journey to offer perspective, feedback and encouragement may be just what you need to help you along.

 

 

 

DO YOUR BACKGROUND WORK

          Let’s get started.    In order to truly embark on the process of finding a good mate, you have to first be a good catch yourself.  This is about doing your own personal “work” (meaning developing yourself into your best self).  This is undeniably good for you and, consequently, makes you a much more attractive person to date.

Doing this background work is a process and takes many different forms.  The first of which involves clearing out the clutter in your own physical, mental and emotional life.   In your emotional world, this often means that old baggage that you’re carrying around from past relationships, old pain and unfulfilled expectations can be the first hindrance to finding new love.  Be willing to let that go so you can start with a clean slate and offer a new person their own experience. 

Next take a look around at your home, your car, your closet etc. Are you proud of what you see?  Is this the side of yourself that you want a first date to judge you on?  Now, I’m not saying that you need to totally change your whole personality and become a neat freak but giving a little care to organizing your life can help with your own mental well-being and make you a lot more attractive.  Let’s say you are on your way to pick up your date and you look around your car and notice that you have a bunch of food wrappers and crap filling the seat and it’s sticky everywhere.  Gross! Trust me, the 2 minutes that it would take you to stop at a gas station, dump the trash/recycling, throw some clutter into the trunk and do a quick wipe-down (to clean up the sticky spilled coffee from 3 weeks ago) can do wonders to make your date feel more comfortable, more respected and more interested. 

The same goes for your own personal grooming.  It can be totally appropriate to show up casual on a date but not disheveled or as if you don’t care.  On the other hand, micromanaging every tiny detail can also come off as if you are overly obsessed with outer appearances.  Finding some balance between the two is usually the right way to go. Also, knowing the place/event and what your date might be into could help make your first impression the right one.  For instance, if going to the park for a casual walk for a first date, maybe wearing that nice dress and impractical shoes could be a little overboard.  Wearing shorts and a baseball cap to a dinner restaurant might not make the best first impression either.  Without getting overly obsessed, putting a little thought into your dating wardrobe could really pay off.  In fact, if you’re going on lots of first dates, have a small collection (2-5 outfits) to be your go-to dating “uniforms” can eliminate so much stress from each date.  Put in the work in advance and find a few complete ensembles that you really like, that show off your best features and are quintessentially “you”. Then when it comes time for a new date, all you have to do is pick between these few options, throw it on and feel confident and great.   As part of my 90-day program, you can take advantage of some of my time as your personal virtual shopping buddy.  I’m happy to help you find and order these date clothing options (that compliment your body and personality perfectly) so you don’t have to figure it out on your own.

First and foremost, what makes a person look the most sexy and attractive is confidence and self-approval.  This stands true regardless of what you wear or how you present yourself.  If you exude your own self-love, that will shine out and be magnetic.  Sure, it can be nice to make a little effort to display “your best self” when meeting a new date, but truly what this means is completely up to you.  The next pointers that I offer are from my own experience and my own opinions.  Try them on like a pair of shoes.  If they fit and you like them, great! If not, feel free to come up with your own philosophy on these topics.  I do however suggest that you give it some thought though. 

Ok gentlemen, so I did a survey… While many women (and other lovers of people who can grow beards) really do like them (and they are certainly in fashion right now) it is MY opinion that many prefer some level of maintenance and control of those beards.  The look of “lazy neglect” is not what makes a beard sexy.  To me, it that doesn’t portray that self-love that is so undeniably attractive. Yes, it can be long and full but there’s a delicate balance of also appearing that you care about yourself and aren’t just being lazy.

Now for those whom this applies… I’d love to offer some personal opinions on make-up choices.  I hear time and time again men saying that they prefer no make-up at all.  Now, I take that with a grain of salt because I know how I feel when I look (what I perceive to be my best).  And again… the simple experience of FEELING beautiful and sexy is a big part of attractiveness.  I, myself, love wearing make-up and do so on a daily basis.  For casual daytime I usually do a bit less and then will go for a more dramatic look at night.  Of course the time of day and the event that you will be attending will probably have an impact of these choices.  You may want to go minimal and just enhance your natural beauty.  Many of us believe that it helps us feel better and look healthier and to apply a bit of under-eye cover-up, some lipstain and a bit of blush (for example).  Why not?  If it makes YOU feel god, go for it!  On the other hand, you might be feeling edgy (and extra playful) and really want to artistically play with creative personal expression with make-up and dress.  This may not be your everyday “routine” but can certainly be a fun way to express your creativity.   I like to mix it up.  I want someone who I’m getting to know to see the many different sides of me.  I want them to see my creative expression as well as my simple radiant self.

Another area of your “background work”, is the process is to work on cultivating your self-esteem and self-knowledge. By really taking stock in who you are, what are your values, talents, skills and challenges, you can go into any situation with greater awareness and confidence.  Truly, nothing is as sexy as confidence and a sense of self-love.  In doing this self-evaluation, it’s a good time to take this opportunity to address the areas in your life that need improvement.  Are you happy with your life as it is?  Are you proud of your career?  Do you have hobbies and passions that you are really into and that make you especially interesting? Is there anything you could change?  While taking stock in these things, it is a great opportunity to make improvements and work towards a lifestyle where you are more happy. When talking about yourself you want to be proud of who you are. What would it take to feel that way?  It may be that your job is not your source of pride, your hobbies may be instead.  When dating, and telling about yourself, elaborate on the wonderful parts of you that you have full confidence in and are passionate about.  It is not a lie at all.  It is instead, upholding a value that what someone does for money is not what determines their interestingness or their worth.  Sometimes the two are intertwined. Sometimes they are not related at all.  Additionally, when asking about someone else’s life I like to ask, “What are you passionate about?  What makes you tick?  What do you do for fun/work?” It allows people to answer the question in whatever way that they want and they don’t feel pigeon-holed to explain a job that they don’t feel defines them. 

This part of self-evaluation and background work can bring up deep issues and belief systems.  You may discover parts of yourself and your life that you are really yearning to shift but don’t really know where to begin.  In my 90-day program I walk you through the process, step-by-step, offering my support, accountability, perspective and encouragement. 

Looking at your unique talents and individual beauty, you can find pride in those things and discover what it is that you have to offer to a relationship.  This process also will help you get really clear on what you are looking for in a mate.  What kind of person are they and how do you two fit together and compliment eachother?  By having a greater sense of who you are and what kind of person that you want to attract, you are targeting your market and getting more focused.  This will help you be more efficient and maximize your effectiveness.  For example, a flyfisher has very specific lures that they select to catch specific types of fish.  Fishing with a large net can pull in lots of “things” but very few are actually useful and desirable. Looking for someone who is their own uniqueness yet also your equal creates the recipe for a healthy, mutual and lasting relationship.  Looking only at people who are of complete “model” perfection (when you know in your heart that you are not) may only lead to you feeling bad about yourself and not actually land you a great relationship.  This goes for physical attributes as well as levels of success or social confidence.  Your ideal match is someone who IS ACTUALLY A MATCH.  You don’t want to have to constantly try to prove to someone that you’re good enough for them.  They should just feel it. 

In my 90 day program I help to make this vision of what you’re seeking become crystal clear.  First I help you to find within yourself all of your strengths and real confidence.  From there I can walk you through the creation of manifestation statements that will broadcast out your real desires for attracting just the RIGHT person to you.

 

 

 

PUT YOUR BEST FOOT FORWARD

          This next section is about what it is that you are broadcasting to the dating world.  We’re going to focus here on your online profile and what it says about you. With online dating, you get a very brief opportunity to make a good first impression.  This can go well or be disastrous with one innocent choice. The whole “swipe” culture is an idea where people are encouraged to make huge judgements if someone is their soul mate based on their first picture (and, if they get past that first hurdle, a few lines of text).  This can be really unnerving and can go terribly wrong without proper forethought or assistance.  Yes, different people are looking for different things in a mate so there isn’t a one-size-fits-all but there are a few guidelines that can help you be worthy of a “right swipe”.

          Let’s start with photos… I’ve done a lot of research and have come up with trends that may behoove you to pay attention to.  Some of these are going to come off as being a little harsh.  Take what you want of this advice but know that much of what I have reported here is based directly on the research of profile popularity from some of the top dating sites around. As we all know, the first photo is so important; It should be your best one!  The first few guidelines focus on what NOT to do.  After we get through these, I’m excited to share with you what does really work. Your photo should actually show you… looking your best.

 

The “NO” list

-Blurry and dark.  The photo should be good quality and should show you off. This means that the pic that is really far away, blurry or has bad lighting and doesn’t show your face is not the right choice. 

-Group shot. This might be fine for a later picture but not for the profile.  With these photos the “swiper” can’t tell who the profile is actually about. 

-The ex-girlfriend.  No pictures of you with your ex-girlfriend!  This is just confusing.  Are you still in love with her?  Are you still together and looking for a threesome?  Best to save those pictures for your own archives or, if you look so great in that photo, spend a little time doing some photo editing to crop them out of the shot. Even if the person in the photo is just your buddy, it’s still confusing and definitely shouldn’t be your profile pic.

-Woof. The profiles that have their first picture be just of their dog isn’t allowing the swiper to see them at all.  No matter how cute your dog is, your dog cannot be the only attracting force. 

-Bot? Some people don’t actually post any pictures at all.  I’m not sure why they do this.  Makes me think they aren’t a real person (maybe it’s a bot) and will get an immediate “No” swipe.

-Hats and sunglasses.  Wearing a hat or sunglasses, while it may make you look stylish, can often make it hard for people to see you.  According to Tinder surveys, these pictures don’t rate nearly as well as those without sunglasses so choose these pictures very carefully to make sure that your pretty face is still visible.  Best to use them for your extra pics and not your profile. 

-Duck faces. In my opinion, duck faces are not going to help you find your soul-mate.  In fact, I’ve come across lots of male profiles that specifically say, “No duck faces!” Apparently, they were all the rage several years ago.  Now they may just come off as being ridiculous. 

-Cell phone selfies.  Ideally, everyone has someone in their life who can take a picture for them.  These come out way better than a shot taken in the bathroom mirror with bathroom clutter and the toilet in the background.  If you really don’t have anyone to take the picture, get creative and make sure it’s a really good selfie.  Also about selfies, sometimes they are taken way to close up.  The face appears alarmingly large and often blurry.  Play around until you find one that actually looks god before you post it.  This is also the precise reason why selfie sticks were invented.  So you can capture a great photo yourself that doesn’t actually look like a selfie. 

-Not quite so close.  Many people post pics that are taken WAY to close for comfort.  While you don’t want your picture to be off in the distance, if your face doesn’t even fit in the frame, it is clearly way to close.  Your pic should show the best of you.  While you want to be truthful, you don’t need to bombard people with every pore or pimple.  A few feet from the camera can go a long way.

-Flaunting it.  Some people want to show off their hot, naked bodies.  That’s fine and good, but it should still capture your face as well.  Unless someone is completely shallow, they’d like to find a connection with someone and not just focus on the objectification of their body. If you insist on a body shot… This could work if you actually have a body that you’re really proud to show off.  I find it way more interesting to see a picture that has someone’s exposed body doing something that actually makes sense (like being at the beach or something). If you don’t have that perfect washboard stomach, don’t worry (most people don’t), you can still find someone awesome who loves you just the way you. You may find that it’s better though to save the naked selfies for when someone already knows you. 

-Tidy up.  Nobody wants to see that in the background of your picture is a super messy house.   Tidy up a bit or choose a background that is a little more intentional and more appealing.If you happen to have a photo where you look great but the background doesn’t, can you crop the pic a bit so that stuff isn’t on display?

-Driver’s seats. Survey says, “Errrrr!” There’s really not much that’s particularly interesting about a photo taken while sitting in your car. Are you driving while taking it?  Isn’t that dangerous? 

-Dead trophies. I want to address is the disproprortionate number of profile pictures that involves s guy holding up his trophy fish or bloodied deer head. If fishing or hunting is a particular passion for you and it is an activity that defines you then, by all means, post away… the trend I’m seeing however, seems to me to be more of the “obligatory big fish profile shot”.  It doesn’t seem to display your personal uniqueness and personality.    

The “YES” list

-Good quality photo.  Having profile pics where the photo is clear and with ample lighting rates infinitely higher than those that are of poor quality.

-Waist up.  The best profile shots tend to be just from the waist up. They are generally closer up so you’re face can actually be seen.

-Current and genuine.  Yes, the photos need to actually be of you AND they need to be current.  It is not being honest if all of your photos are of you when you were 20 years younger and 50 pounds lighter. Showcase the real you in the here and now!  Authenticity is real love.

-Uniqueness is a plus. You only get to make this first impression once. Choose a photo where you look attractive but one that also shows a bit of your personality and what makes your unique.

-Filters.  Try using some filters on your profile photo like sepia or black & white.  It will make you stand out from the others during a long “swiping” session. 

 

“YES” list

-Good quality photo.  Having profile pics where the photo is clear and with ample lighting rates infinitely higher than those that are of poor quality.

-Waist up.  The best profile shots tend to be just from the waist up.

-Current and genuine.  Yes, the photos need to actually be of you AND they need to be current.  It is not being honest if all of your photos are of you when you were 20 years younger and 50 pounds lighter. Showcase the real you in the here and now!  Authenticity is real love.

-Uniqueness is a plus. You only get to make this first impression once. Choose a photo where you look attractive but one that also shows a bit of your personality and what makes your unique.

-Filters.  Try using some filters on your profile photo like sepia or black & white.  It will make you stand out from the others during a long “swiping” session. 

 

Ok, so the swiper found something interesting about your first pic and they have decided to delve in deeper to check out what else you’ve got there…  Keeping in mind the guidelines listed above, here are a few extra pointers for your extra photos.

-3 or more.  You should post at least 3 pics with YOU in it. Again, it’s great to have a picture of your dog or of you favorite painting but it’s you who is trying to date… not your dog. Different days and different events can capture vastly different looks.  It’s amazing how different someone can look in one picture to the next.  By posting multiple photos, you have the opportunity to show off your different styles and personas.

-Tell a story. Each of your photos should tell a different story of your life.  These can serve as a visual continuation of the writing part.  For example: you can show yourself at a football game, out in nature and dolled up for a night on the town.  That just said quite a bit about you without having to use any words.  Some people will post 3 photos that are essentially the same moment just from different angles.  There’s really not much point to that.

 

Ok, now it’s time for the text.  Here is an opportunity for people to show their personality and quickly tell a bit about themselves.  It doesn’t make any sense to me why some people leave this blank or say nothing besides “Message me and ask.”.  Can’t they think of anything to say? Is this person not going to have anything to say if we’re actually on a date?  Give people something to go on… Something to build the intrigue…  Two different suggestions: 1) the straight-up route… Some basic information, a bit of what you really love to do, what you’re passionate about, where you are in your life and what you’re looking for.  Sure, lots of people love the outdoors, cooking and long walks on the beach… Can you think of anything else to say that shows your uniqueness?  This is your opportunity to make yourself stand out.  Some people are really good at saying something really witty and funny.  That’s great but not necessary if it’s not your thing.  Just be able to show a bit of your personality through your words.  While it’s not advisable to be overly boastful about yourself it also isn’t appealing to be super self-deprecating either.  Admitting your flaws shows strength, vulnerability and self-reflection but remember, this is also your quick opportunity to make your only first impression.  Put your best foot forward.  Something I have come across that I strongly advise against is when people (men in particular) say something crude and sexual.  I am not suggesting that your profile should be completely boring, “vanilla” or not flirty but you’d be surprised how many people write overly forward and downright predatory messages.  Another thing that people often say is’ “No kids. Never married.”  That’s helpful to let people know that they haven’t had those things in the past but what are they trying to say?  So they haven’t done it yet but do they want that in their future?  It’s not really clear. If you want to convey that you don’t have children and don’t have any baggage from your past, you might want to be a little more clear about that and also what you’re looking for in your future.

          As part of my 90 day program I’m happy to assist you in re-vamping you profile so you are really showing off your best. 

 

 

 

 

 

BE ENGAGING BUT NOT PUSHY

 

          Alright, so you may have made it past the swiping and now you’re “matched”.  What next?  This can be super critical.  Frequently these first encounters completely fall flat and don’t even get a quick response so you’ve got to be strategic.  Too often people’s attempts are little more than a “Hi.” Or a “Damn you’ re sexy.”  Sure, the compliment is flattering, but there was nothing in that statement that created intrigue or a conversation.  In fact, it ends up being little more than a virtual “cat-call”.  If you have real interest in someone and think it could be a match if only they gave you a chance, you’re going to have to work a little harder than that to get their attention.  One approach is to really pay attention to someone’s profile and ask them a specific question regarding one of their photos or something that they’ve said.  This shows that you pay attention to details and that you actually are interested in getting to know them.  Additionally, if it is in the form of a question, it automatically requests a response.  Having something witty to say is also a good approach but extra points if it relates to them personally.  I have seen one approach that works quite well that attempts to engage the person in some playful hypothetical banter.  Ie: If you could take a trip anywhere in the world, where would you go? If you had any superpower, what would it be? Etc…  There’s no shame in coming up with a handful of really good online “pick-up lines” that you can use repeatedly. For me, I prefer some that are engaging me as a real person and are not simply meant as a joke. If it’s funny enough though, it could elicit a response as well.  Having these in your back pocket can take the nervousness out of reaching out to someone for the first time. 

          And then there’s the response… You have gotten an introductory message from someone and you don’t know what to do.  Maybe it is some playful and witty remark and you find it easy to retort. B Perhaps they have actually looked at your profile and have a specific question or comment about something they saw.  This is also pretty easy to respond to.  And maybe they have just said “hi.”  The ball is in your court.  It’s up to you to offer the more in-depth lead in.  If this is someone who you may have interest in, you are willing to make the effort.  This may, however, be someone who, upon a closer evaluation you just don’t think is for you.  What to do?  Often people just don’t respond at all.  If someone had just said hi or something super minimal and generic, I don’t see this as being rude.  If they have actually made an effort, and especially if they have inquired about something specific about your profile, I think it’s nice to at least offer some kind of nice, polite decline.  A simple “Thank you but you’re not what I’m looking for.  I wish you luck in your search.” End of story.  After this point, you are welcome to delete the message thread if you so choose.  You have been kind and yet stated your non-interest.  It’s important to remember that 99% of other people on these sights, just like you, are genuinely just searching for connection and have their own strengths and vulnerabilities.  Unless someone has done something to actually personally offend you, there is no reason to not be nice.  I heard a story recently about a very sweet and sensitive guy who reached out to girl.  He said “Hi. What do you like to do around town?”  She responded with, “Is that the best pick-up line you’ve got?”  He retreated, feeling attacked and shut down.  Maybe she was just trying to be sarcastically funny but, in doing so, she effectively was needlessly mean to someone who was just genuinely reaching out.  Really, there is NO REASON to make fun of people or be mean to them.  It doesn’t feel good when they do that to you…  If you are really NOT interested and don’t feel like giving them a polite decline, it is considered fairly socially acceptable to just not respond.

So the next step after the conversation has been initiated and then responded to is to keep it going.  Be inquisitive. Ask them to elaborate on stories and experiences, likes and dislikes and be open about sharing your own.  Try to create a mutual conversation.  It’s not really attractive when someone goes on and on about themselves and doesn’t seem to inquire about you.  Online dating offers a unique opportunity to really get to know someone and get familiar with their likes and dislikes before you decide to meet in person.  This can also help to build tension and be a playful and poetic way to begin the courtship.  Also, by having the opportunity to allow someone to get to know you through your words, they might be more open to seeing your true specialness without relying too heavily on physical judgements.  As I said before though, you still need to be completely truthful with your photos.  Sure, use ones that maximize your attractiveness, but still be completely honest.  In the reverse, the other benefit that a lengthy message correspondence can serve is to help you to sift through people who really are not a match and save yourself from lots of fruitless (and potentially disastrous) dates. Sometimes people reach out online and they ask immediately to meet for a date.  Sure, at times this can work out well and bypass all the time texting, but in general, I think it’s missing a useful opportunity and is a little hasty.  Many women (myself included) don’t particularly like, or trust, when a man is uninterested in getting to know them online at all before asking to meet in person.  For one, it feels like a safety concern.  Two, they may be a very busy person juggling work, family and a social life.  They will totally make time for a potential connection but just don’t have the time available to go out with every person who asks (if they don’t yet feel a potential connection).  Sometimes, after lots of positive back and forth banter, a conversation just goes silent.  This can happen for several reasons.  If you sensed a connection, be brave and reach out again. The online dating scene is a very fast-paced and flippant world.  Sometimes (if you really get the idea that there really is a mutual connection) persistence pays off and re-igniting the conversation can be welcomed.  If you still don’t get a response after a few weeks, it’s probably a good idea to accept that either they are taking a hiatus from the dating site or that it’s just not “going anywhere.”

At this point, you’ve been in communication for several weeks, you have made a connection, have things in common and have an easy time communicating. Sounds like it’s time to meet in person.  This is the point to be bold but not too pushy.   Ask them to meet up in person.  It helps if you come prepared with some ideas and potential times.  For example: How about meeting at the downtown teahouse at 6 on Wednesday?  This shows initiative and an ability to be assertive. Of course the day, time and place can be adjusted if those don’t actually work for them, but you’ve put it out there and it is just a figuring of specifics now.  Hopefully you will notice some enthusiasm and excitement at this point. Of course, if your meet-up suggestion is met with evasiveness and a lack of enthusiasm, you may want to take a hint that they’re not interested. It wouldn’t hurt to just check in and ask “Are you interested in actually meeting in person?”  This gives them a clear opportunity to answer yes or no. They may not know how to tell you that they just don’t think “you’re the one”. 

 

BE PREPARED

 

          Now that you have the date scheduled and you’re really excited to meet this person, you’re going to get all panicked about what you will wear and what in the world will you talk about, right?  It doesn’t have to be that way.  There’s really nothing wrong with having some tried and true “dating protocol” that you set up for yourself in advance so you can avoid the stress and feel completely at ease in approaching this date.  This next section is all about setting up a system that works for you and makes the decisions a little easier. So here are the variables of any dating scenario that could leave you feeling awkward and at a loss. Location, type of date, clothing, conversation topics.  Creating some systems and routines (that you know work well for you) can be just what you need.

Let’s start with location and type of date.  This is deciding if it’s a casual coffee date, a trip out into nature or to do some fun activity, a dinner at a restaurant, etc.  Each of these option would have a very different feel and encourage different behaviors and most likely different kinds of “dress code”.  Rather than trying to brainstorm for a ridiculous amount of time about what possible restaurant/coffee shop/hiking trail you could go to, why not just pick a few of your favorites and give your date an option between those?  This allows them to have some say in the planning but doesn’t leave you both going back and forth about unlimited options for hours. As for restaurants, I would make your 3 options vastly different in style.  This will make it more of an easy choice based on personal preference and mood (for example: one Asian, one upscale America style and one Mexican).  No need to follow this exactly but it’s what I would do…  

So next we have the clothing conundrum… As we discussed in chapter one, you have already picked out a few different complete outfits (that you love, look great on you and you feel fantastic and confident in).  This makes the getting ready process much more streamlined.  There is no need to worry that you will be seen in the same outfit.  Different place. Different person.  Still the same fabulous you!  Just figure out which of these already crafted ensembles makes the most sense for this “kind” of date, throw it on and move on with the rest of your getting ready.

The final aspect of the date that you can (somewhat) prepare for in advance is to have some back-pocket conversation starters.  This is an especially useful step for people who are shy or awkward.  Some people aren’t necessarily shy by nature but when put on the spot, often say completely the wrong thing.  Assuming you have already spent a few weeks on basic introductions online, you already have a little bit of knowledge about each other’s lives.  This means that you don’t need to spend your time together getting through those logistics but can open up on some meatier subjects.  For example, rather than inquiring about someone’s job, ask about why it’s a good fit for them and what about it is inspiring?  What was the pathway to get them to this point?  Where do you see your life in five years?  What kind of impact do they want to make on the world? Now that you’re face to face, you have a great opportunity to inquire about them in a way that brings up some emotions with their answer.  Through this, you have a chance to get to know them on a deeper level.  How do they react?  No, I’m not suggesting asking them to tell the sad story about the death of a loved one… or the nitty gritty of their last break-up but more benign topics that touch on personal choices and passions. What kinds of things are the excited about?  Any question that you ask your date, be prepared to answer yourself.  This is an easy and often helpful thing to prepare for.  Take your time in advance and really ask yourself these questions.  Having the benefit of advanced notice, you can really decide how you’d like to respond to these questions and what stories you might want to share that will tell a bit about your personality and how you operate.   If you would like further assistance, I’d be happy to go into this more in depth in coaching sessions during my 90 day program, we could try these out and even do some role-playing to help you get more comfortable.

Another part of dating is not just the questions that are asked and answered between you two. It is the questions that you are asking yourself inside your own head.  Thee might include: “Do they like me?  Do they think I’m funny? Are they attracted to me?  What should I say next?  If you can hear these questions pounding in your head than, chances are that that anxiety and insecurity are also pretty apparent on the outside too.  It can be seen through your body language, heard in your voice and even felt through the subtle, energetic vibes we put out.  It doesn’t take a particularly intuitive, psychic person to pick up on these things.  “Normal” people can totally perceive them clear as day.  This can be a huge problem for those who struggle with confidence issues and anxiety.  This is precisely why I encourage people to get some of the variables and guesswork out of the way so that they can feel more comfortable and at ease when on their date.  Doing plenty of your initial groundwork can assist invaluably with this.  A lot of that self-conscious mental chatter is your long held self-limiting beliefs.  Take the opportunity to get to the bottom of it so you can put a stop to it once and for all! 

 

Through all of this (even with all the forethought and preparation) BE YOURSELF. Remember, you are a great catch to just the right person.  Allowing yourself to show your silliness and quirks will show the whole and true you.  You want someone who’s ultimately going to like you for your uniqueness, not for some fake persona that you’re attempting to fit into.  Being on a date is often for the purpose of trying someone on and seeing if you can envision keeping them around for the foreseeable long-term.  That’s an awful lot of pressure for your first face-to-face meeting.  While we can admit that that’s precisely what we’re doing, try to stay in the present and just get a picture of who this person is.  Attempt to get out of your head and out of the expectations of what role they could serve in your life.  Focus instead on just who this person is and if/how they interest you.  You can leave some of that other stuff for your 2nd-102nd date… On the other hand, you may know right away that this is not the person for you and you just can’t wait for the date to be over.  When the original designated part of the date is over, feel free to kindly excuse yourself.  You can either say in person or a message that you thank them for their time but you didn’t’ feel it was a match.  Often people choose the easy way and just don’t answer the person’s messages anymore.  That’s not the ideal way in the name of politeness and respect but it seems to be the common way it’s done these days.  There is no reason to feel guilty if you decide that the person is not for you and your don’t want to have another date with them.  Sometimes people feel obligated to keep that door open but that’s one of the beauties of online dating.  There’s that quick sifting that’s built right into the system.  While sometimes this dismissiveness doesn’t feel great to be on the receiving end, this freedom does have major benefits for the one who is “not that into it”.

 

 

 

THE FOLLOW-UP

This brings us to our final topic, what to do to get a second date.  First of all, wrap the date up with saying that you had a good time, that you feel like there was a connection and that you’d like to see them again.  Be friendly and upbeat and don’t get overly gushy about it.  This is probably also a good time to see if you can get their personal phone number instead of just communication through the dating site. Now, if it seems mutually welcome, give a hug.  Not a pat on the back hug but a real hug where you linger for just a second and get a glimpse of the physical connection.  This is an innocent way to allow yourself you to perceive their pheromones.  While your rational brain might not know what messages it’s reading but your monkey brain will…  You probably don’t need to send them a text right when you get into your car but a very brief text check in the next day or two days later is a good idea.  Just reminding that you had a nice time (and maybe a smiley face).   Even if you may not make plans to see each other for a couple weeks, it’s still a good idea to check in from time to time just to keep the connection going.  In this modern world of tons of distractions, it’s good to keep yourself high up on the docket.  You’ve already done most of the hard work for this one and you’re also WAY more comfortable with them.  If you genuinely like them, pace yourself… but go for it…

 

 

 

LOVE YOUR LIFE, SKYR0CKET YOUR CONFIDENCE AND MANIFEST THE LOVE THAT YOU DREAM OF!

Through this course, I have taken you through the process of becoming the best you, presenting yourself in the most attractive and effective way, connecting and communicating and cultivating your perfect relationship.  Each one of these items can make a huge difference and is also a considerable amount of work.  Sometimes it can do wonders to have your own personal cheerleader to help you through that process.  I would be honored to help and assist you in creating a life that you love and manifesting the love that you crave.  If you would like to start with a free Breakthough call with me to get clear on what’s working and what’s not working with your online dating approach and, if you would like to dive into more confidence related issues, I’d be delighted to help.  You can email me to set up a time at help@lionstonecoaching.com.  I encourage you to check out my video below "6 Keys To Living a Life You Love".  Also, check out my testimonials!

 

 

Ambra Lionstone

LIONSTONE RE-VISION COACHING

www.lionstonecoaching.com

help@lionstonecoaching.com

 

 

 

 

ONLINE DATING SUCCESS CHECKLIST

 

·       Clear out the clutter (physical/mental/emotional)

·       Self-care

·       Select your 3 perfect date outfits

·       Grooming

·       Know yourself- List the things that make you wonderful and unique

·       List what you’re looking for

·       Select great photos

·       Rewrite your text

·       Come up with a handful of great intro messages

·       Decide on 3 great date places in your city